Well, I started and stopped at least 4 entries this past month, and most of them were pretty hopeful. Therapy together was going pretty good, the doc told us we needed to meet more than twice a month, so we have been meeting every sunday for over a month now. We talked about what our intentions were for these meetings, I put my wedding ring back on. Most meeting ended with me leaving feeling really good about things. Mostly.
I have a rule, that when it's getting close to my period, and I am getting really emotional, I think before I speak. More than just think before I speak, I write uncensored what is going through my head, wait until my hormones have stopped going nuts, and then pull out all the points from whatever I thought and wrote about and be rational about it.
Even when I left these meeting feeling pretty ok about us as a couple, there was always something left nagging me that I was too afraid to bring up. It's the same thing I would ask him in the beginning of all of this, which is do you love me or not. And I would say to myself, self, he is talking to you, and going to therapy with you, and looking through apartment guides with you, of course he cares about you. But then I would say, self, he hasn't said boo to you about his feelings. He hasn't even tried to hold your hand.
And I need to know this.
And so today, which is that time of the month when I try to keep my trap shut as my emotions are starting to go wild, I did not keep it shut. Well, I guess I did. I couldn't say it outloud because I didn't trust myself not to bawl, so I wrote this down and slid it across the table to him. I had asked him, are you happy with where we are right now? Do you think we are headed in a good direction? And he didn't say anything for a good 5 minutes. So I said fine, i'll go first.
"I am happy about our communication. I am happy when we spend time together. I really feel like we are building something that could be so awesome. But at the same time I feel like there is something holding you back from being completely 'in' this.
"I love you, I want to move forward with you and be in this relationship with you. But if you don't want to move forward, and you don't love me, you need to tell me so I can stop wasting my time."
I got a long, awkward pause and finally he nodded his head and said 'I understand.'
We were suppose to go see a movie, but I ended up packing up my belongings and leaving instead. I apologized, that I didn't feel much like seeing a movie anymore. I tore out the page and gave it to him. "I don't like to give ultimatums," I said, "but there needs to be a date. There needs to be a time frame. Figure this out. If you don't love me, then I don't want to waste my time on this anymore." And that hurt a lot, to finally say it aloud like that. I just drove around for an hour after that, and right now I still feel like I already know that this is the end of it, and I am going to get a divorce. It's weird, because things seemed to be going upwards, and I was really hopeful that it was going to work out. Is it irrational for me to say, his silence on the matter really says it all? Irrational Cass doesn't think so. Rational Cass who is still somewhere in the PMS brain knows that Robert takes time to make decisions and speak them, but even rational Cass is pretty upset that he couldn't answer right away.
We have therapy on tuesday, thank goodness. I could really use some professional guidance. I don't know if I did the right thing by throwing this out there today. I did not intend to do it at all. It was something pretty big, that needed to be addressed. A part of me is saying, stupid, stupid! You probably just screwed this up beyond repair and scared him away. But a bigger part is saying, you needed to do this. You need to know what his feelings are. You need them expressed verbally. What good is it to keep meeting, keep going to therapy, moving out together - none of it is going to work if the love isn't there. That would just be us being roommates and friends, and that is not the goal I am working towards. I want more than that. Even if this does end up bringing the end to things, and no matter how much i'm crying right now, it's done.
People said to me, in the beginning, you'll know when enough is enough. You'll know when you've hit your limit. And I have. I've hit it. My intentions are clear and laid out for him. They have been for a long time now. We've talked about them repeatedly, and hell, I have them all written down in the binders I bring with me whenever we meet. But there is still something in him that is reluctant and unwilling to step it up. I went to Rose Hall and King's Grant Apartments this past week and picked up brochures about their complexes, and today when I pulled them out of my purse I thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head. Which is just messed up. One night a few weeks back we drove around at night looking at apartment complexes and talking about where we would live, for God's sake! But when push comes to shove, when it comes time for some action to make a move forward, he blanches. I am done with just talking about things. We can talk until we are blue in the face, and it is just that - talking. My talking limit has been reached, thank you very much. It is time to actually DO something.
So ok, I did the right thing by asking about his feelings. I know I did, no matter what. That isn't going to be much comfort in the present. But it's right. It isn't an unreasonable request. You love me, say you love me. You don't love me, say you don't love me. Either of those responses, though, are going to prompt some actions. Moving forward, or terminating things. We will see, we will see.