nasnan's journal

i don't like people

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
Well, I started and stopped at least 4 entries this past month, and most of them were pretty hopeful.  Therapy together was going pretty good, the doc told us we needed to meet more than twice a month, so we have been meeting every sunday for over a month now.  We talked about what our intentions were for these meetings, I put my wedding ring back on.  Most meeting ended with me leaving feeling really good about things.  Mostly.

I have a rule, that when it's getting close to my period, and I am getting really emotional, I think before I speak.  More than just think before I speak, I write uncensored what is going through my head, wait until my hormones have stopped going nuts, and then pull out all the points from whatever I thought and wrote about and be rational about it.

Even when I left these meeting feeling pretty ok about us as a couple, there was always something left nagging me that I was too afraid to bring up.  It's the same thing I would ask him in the beginning of all of this, which is do you love me or not.  And I would say to myself, self, he is talking to you, and going to therapy with you, and looking through apartment guides with you, of course he cares about you.  But then I would say, self, he hasn't said boo to you about his feelings.  He hasn't even tried to hold your hand.

And I need to know this.

And so today, which is that time of the month when I try to keep my trap shut as my emotions are starting to go wild, I did not keep it shut.  Well, I guess I did.  I couldn't say it outloud because I didn't trust myself not to bawl, so I wrote this down and slid it across the table to him.  I had asked him, are you happy with where we are right now?  Do you think we are headed in a good direction?  And he didn't say anything for a good 5 minutes.  So I said fine, i'll go first.

"I am happy about our communication.  I am happy when we spend time together.  I really feel like we are building something that could be so awesome.  But at the same time I feel like there is something holding you back from being completely 'in' this.

"I love you,  I want to move forward with you and be in this relationship with you.  But if you don't want to move forward, and you don't love me, you need to tell me so I can stop wasting my time."

I got a long, awkward pause and finally he nodded his head and said 'I understand.'

We were suppose to go see a movie, but I ended up packing up my belongings and leaving instead.  I apologized, that I didn't feel much like seeing a movie anymore.  I tore out the page and gave it to him.  "I don't like to give ultimatums," I said, "but there needs to be a date.  There needs to be a time frame.  Figure this out.  If you don't love me, then I don't want to waste my time on this anymore."  And that hurt a lot, to finally say it aloud like that.  I just drove around for an hour after that, and right now I still feel like I already know that this is the end of it, and I am going to get a divorce.  It's weird, because things seemed to be going upwards, and I was really hopeful that it was going to work out.  Is it irrational for me to say, his silence on the matter really says it all?  Irrational Cass doesn't think so.  Rational Cass who is still somewhere in the PMS brain knows that Robert takes time to make decisions and speak them, but even rational Cass is pretty upset that he couldn't answer right away.

We have therapy on tuesday, thank goodness.  I could really use some professional guidance.  I don't know if I did the right thing by throwing this out there today.  I did not intend to do it at all.  It was something pretty big, that needed to be addressed.  A part of me is saying, stupid, stupid!  You probably just screwed this up beyond repair and scared him away.  But a bigger part is saying, you needed to do this.  You need to know what his feelings are.  You need them expressed verbally.  What good is it to keep meeting, keep going to therapy, moving out together - none of it is going to work if the love isn't there.  That would just be us being roommates and friends, and that is not the goal I am working towards.  I want more than that.  Even if this does end up bringing the end to things, and no matter how much i'm crying right now, it's done.

People said to me, in the beginning, you'll know when enough is enough.  You'll know when you've hit your limit.  And I have.  I've hit it.  My intentions are clear and laid out for him.  They have been for a long time now.  We've talked about them repeatedly, and hell, I have them all written down in the binders I bring with me whenever we meet.  But there is still something in him that is reluctant and unwilling to step it up.  I went to Rose Hall and King's Grant Apartments this past week and picked up brochures about their complexes, and today when I pulled them out of my purse I thought his eyes were going to bug out of his head.  Which is just messed up.  One night a few weeks back we drove around at night looking at apartment complexes and talking about where we would live, for God's sake!  But when push comes to shove, when it comes time for some action to make a move forward, he blanches.  I am done with just talking about things.  We can talk until we are blue in the face, and it is just that - talking.  My talking limit has been reached, thank you very much.  It is time to actually DO something.

So ok, I did the right thing by asking about his feelings.  I know I did, no matter what.  That isn't going to be much comfort in the present.  But it's right.  It isn't an unreasonable request.  You love me, say you love me.  You don't love me, say you don't love me.  Either of those responses, though, are going to prompt some actions.  Moving forward, or terminating things.  We will see, we will see.



(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
Soooo, I had another anxiety attack on Sunday.  I went out with Amy to see Titanic and just have a nice day out, just us girls.  It's so rare we get to do that anymore.  On the way to the theater, she breaks the happy news that she is pregnant again.  That's fabulous, because I know she loves being a mom, and she wants Bryce to have a sibling.  Aside from congrats and hugs and smiling, I didn't really think too much of it the rest of the day.  I get home, take a nap (we had to go at 1030 in the morning oh lord kill me and i didn't sleep the night before), wake up, eat a little food and completely fucking lose it.  There are 3 people I know getting married really soon, and that's been sort of hard.  Not to say I am not happy as hell for them all.  I really am.  Yet some days I just can't help being bitter, though.  Take your happiness and shove it, thank you very much.  It's not nice, and generally I reserve those thoughts for random couples I see in random places.  Then the baby thing, which threw me off balance as a reason for getting upset.  I don't even want kids.  I was trying to calm myself down by brushing my teeth, I don't know why I thought that was a good idea.  I had this weird open mouth crying thing going on, and I kept trying to put the toothbrush to my teeth but I was too hysterical, and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breath if I achieved proper dental hygiene action.  Then after I was able to brush my teeth, the whole process began again when I tried to swallow one of the pills the doc prescribed me with a glass of water.  And I just couldn't stop thinking about damn babies.  I'm pretty jealous of the fact that her life, and other people's lives, are moving forward and mine is just in this shitty rut right now.  And that's not really fair, to be pouty about happiness around me, but sometimes I just can't help it,  Hence the anxiety attack.  I just crawled into bed after I finally got the pill down and watched Ouran Academy Host Club with the cat until I passed out.  I felt a little better Monday, feeling a lot better today.  Feeling kind of bad for thinking bad thoughts about happy people, though.

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
In the spirit of being mad, I sent him an angry email.  Whoops or woo-hoo?

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
well tomorrow night i'll be talking to robert after work. i'm pretty nervous and will probably throw up at least once before hand. wish me luck, i guess.

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
Moving right along, to brain scar tissue. Yes, this seems very, very possible. Scar tissue will fuck you up just like a tumor, evidently...

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
I figured I should take a break from looking at this from a purely emotional point of view, and start looking at all the medical stuff. This is more of an entry to keep track of some points I may address with the Doc.


Frontal lobe damage on the left usually manifests as: Pseudodepression - A condition of personality following frontal lobe lesion in which apathy, indifference and a loss of initiative are apparent symptoms but are not accompanied by a sense of depression in the patient.

Frontal lobe damage on the right usually manifests as: Pseudopsychopathy - A condition of personality following frontal lobe lesion in which immature behavior, lack of tact and restraint and other behaviors symptomatic of psychopathology are apparent but are not accompanied by the equivalent mental or emotional components of psychopathology.

There are important asymmetrical differences in the frontal lobes. The left frontal lobe is involved in controlling language related movement, whereas the right frontal lobe plays a role in non-verbal abilities. Some researchers emphasize that this rule is not absolute and that with many people, both lobes are involved in nearly all behavior.

http://www.neuroskills.com/tbi/bfrontal.shtml



Given the unique connectivity between the frontal regions and deeper brain structures, lesions of these areas or their connections generate relatively distinctive clinical behaviors.

The dorsolateral frontal cortex is concerned with planning, strategy formation, and executive function. Patients with dorsolateral frontal lesions tend to have apathy, personality changes, abulia, and lack of ability to plan or to sequence actions or tasks. These patients have poor working memory for verbal information (if the left hemisphere is predominantly affected) or spatial information (if the right hemisphere bears the lesion brunt).
The frontal operculum contains the center for expression of language. Patients with left frontal operculum lesions may demonstrate Broca aphasia and defective verb retrieval, whereas patients with exclusively right opercular lesions tend to develop expressive aprosodia.
The orbitofrontal cortex is concerned with response inhibition. Patients with orbitofrontal lesions tend to have difficulty with disinhibition, emotional lability, and memory disorders. Patients with such acquired sociopathy, or pseudopsychopathic disorder, are said to have an orbital personality. Personality changes from orbital damage include impulsiveness, puerility, a jocular attitude, sexual disinhibition, and complete lack of concern for others.

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1135866-overview



Unlike most animals, a human's mental state is preoccupied a great deal with what has happened in the past or what may happen in the future. Parts of the frontal lobe are essential for this type of "time travel." Indeed, good judgment requires evaluating the possible consequences of a variety of future activities and selecting the one with the most good consequences and the fewest bad consequences.

This frontal lobe-mediated responsibility of decision-making depends on the valuation of a choice, such as its costs, benefits, and probability of success, as well as the assessment of the outcome of a given choice, in order to adapt future behaviors appropriately. The anterior cingulate cortex is primarily responsible for selecting choices and evaluating the outcome of that selection to ensure adaptation to the environment.[1] The orbitofrontal cortex is responsible for changes in behavior in response to unexpected outcomes.[2] Poor judgment and inappropriately weighting the value of past experiences may, as a result, occur with frontal lobe dysfunction.


http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/1135866-overview#a0104

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
fucking shit, why should i stop doing all sorts of things i would usually do just because robert isn't here? that's stupid.

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
I have a sick pit in my stomach every time someone knocks at the door. is he going to show up and want his stuff? he doesn't even have that much. i want to break some of it. but i still want him to go to the doctor.

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
bawling, bawling, bawling. but it's not my fault, right? it's not my fault, i didn't quit, he did.

(no subject)
turtle
nasnan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcKq1nU0Wro

bye bye 2010!

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